“Mere Pass Raho”

You who demolish me, you whom I love,
be near me. Remain near me when evening,
drunk on the blood of the skies,
becomes night, in its one hand
a perfumed balm, in the other
a sword sheathed in the diamond of stars.

Be near me when night laments or sings,
or when it begins to dance,
its steel-blue anklets ringing with grief.

Be here when longings, long submerged
in the heart’s waters, resurface
and when everyone begins to look:
Where is the assassin? In whose sleeve
is hidden the redeeming knife?

And when wine, as it is poured, is the sobbing
of children whom nothing will console -
when nothing holds,
when nothing is:
at that dark hour when night mourns,
be near me, my destroyer, my lover,
be near me.

Must have been good, but i lost it somehow

Me and my desires. I wasnt wrong when I kept ‘Untamed Desires’ as my blog-name. Thats everything I revolve around. Only, you can’t understand that. Did you even try to?

What was the word I had used? “Addiction”. Yeah, addiction. Addicted to you. But you had said the same. My bad, why did I trust Me and my Untmaed Desires. I will someday drown myself becuase of me.

But not becuase of you! Nopes. I knew this was coming. Just hoped, that the inevitable could be delayed. For a few more hours. A few more chat-hours. A few more email swaps. A few more smiles, A few more hours of blissful happiness. A few more hours fo missing you, and infact not missing you cause you were here.

I cannot lie. It is not me. And if you cannot take me ‘the way I are’, then I cannot change for you either. Ain’t the done thing for me. And, you judged me, for something that was not my fault. Knowing me for such a long time didn’t help, did it? You just judged one act, done so so so long ago that I had even forgotten it.

So what now? The restraint is already there. From across the miles, I can feel it. You really pulled me out of my shell. Dragged me out, challenging me to smile again n I did. I owe alot to you. I won’t tell you that I am disappointed. Not hurt, just disappointed. The hurt will come later. But I dont want to be bothered right now. I want to close my eyes and pretend nothing happened. Do let me do that. Let hope live, its desperate in here!!

 

nahhh, i aint cynical

All dressed up and waiting for the friends to come and pick me up.. flash 1 and flash 2 and flash 3.. get the idea? Too many pics taken. Pretty soon, the posing shosing had started.. aise bhi lo, ye theek nai aii delete karo, phir se lo yaar, abu na karein na mere baal kharab hojayenge… all this went on. The freinds? yeah they came, a little bit late.

And then the digicam has its advantages. Instant upload and once again everyone was peering into the screen. This time, everyone included cousins. oohs and aahs and u-look-fat and no-i-dont..

I sat there. I knew they like the wrong pics. Maybe they are jealous hehehe but still, I know myself n I do know which of my pics show the real me and which dont. (If you happen to see my facebook albums and are shaking your heads at how I upload loads of pics where I dont look nice at all, doesn’t matter to me na I just put up all of them, hey! friends are supposed to take me for me, for good and for worse :D)

Back to the story, and to facebook.. these khawateen selected the wrong pic and sent it. Ofcourse it was the wrong pic.. it was the one which got comments from ‘khawateen’ only and really (in the fb album), the one I liked got compliments only from guys. What was that supposed to mean? Pata nai :S

Rejected. Watever. Not that i expected things to happen otherwise. Someone to see my pic and think they want me as a bahoo, biwi, bahbi .. that whole thing doesn’t sound real to me. A pic cannot tell you so much about it. It can’t. When it’s my pic we are talking about, you’ll never even come to guess ‘me’.

Our micro teacher told us to just explain the picture, but he really meant graphs.. you can’t explain pictures… so don’t try. Please.

Point driven home? GOOD!

And the party i went to, was not fun. Bloody cbm, I am just not a wanna be, i cannot fit in.

snip of the scissors..ouch!

Falling hairs to any reason and you end up getting a haircut! Thats exactly what happened a few months ago.. only, the change was so truly nice Well, nice enough to make me dread the snipping scissors a little bit less.

Did I mention that we go to a ‘chaptii ka beauty parlor’?  yeah…so we get to hear the ching and the chong (and strangely, never the Zong!! lolz)

And in between the ping pongs, one of them will come and peer into your face, close.. no , i mean, reaaaaaaaaally close, and pretend to shake her head with the oh-dear-oh-my expression. And the other day she did it with me, again! Its such a horrible expression i tell u, nose wrinkled, mouth twisted.. So i sat up and asked wat happened; and the usual reply was “you need a facial, yes?”. Sigh. So i thought about the money i had saved for buying books and movies, and then looked at the mirror. Facial it was!

Now that should have been enough. But these chaptii’s are chalako-ladies! The other one comes up and says “Why your hair is all dry, you not caring, yes?”. So i said okay, a little pampering can go a long way..

And while i got a facial done, the hair cut progressed clowly, as if it was some kind of a painting being made.. a little snip here and a bit there. Then the hands would disappear, and her peering face would make an appearance, trying to do god knows what!! I was trying to figure that out when the mask got smeared on my face. Now i couldnt see the scissors working their magic on my hair so i was listening intently where the next snip would and making a picture in my mind of what transformation i was going to get.

Suddenly, the snipping snopped and one of my eyes popped open hehehe there was a smack on the back of my head and a warning about getting wrinkles if i move my face muscles with a mask on! Ohkaaaaaay back to closed eyes.

Few minutes later, there i was a glowing skin and a nice hair cut.. perfect! I loved myself in the reflection Caught my mom eye through the mirror and just at that moment there was yet another SNIP! huhhhhhhhh i took a deep breath because i knew that last snip meant.. i had bangs! oh cripes not again! And there was the face again.. with a huge big grin and the irritating “Bangs, yes?” Oh lord, I had to control myself to shout NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But couldnt do that, the bangs were already there now

Have nothing to do except oil my hair and hope they grow back before univ opens. Bangs yikes! Next time, i’ll move my head and myself away once i am satisfied with my hairs.

no.. not anymore!

People have a problem. They cant bear it when you are happy. And they won’t leave you alone, when you are sad.

So I refuse to give them the satisfaction of bugging me… on this celebration day. Why do the guys in my univ think its so easy to ask anyone out? Why do the gals think its so funny to make bets on who would refuse who? I hope most of them lost their money on a whole bunch of bets! It was a ridiculous string of questions in the cafeteria..

Do i want to go out for lunch with you? No..

Would I have gone out with you if you were in karachi? No..

Did I get lots of gifts and cards this time too? Yes..

Does anyone know who sent them? No.. and nobody needs to know either. Atleast not the nosy poky all-of-them!

The yes to the third question was the best bet. Surprise surprise! what was expected? that i would sigh and cry and all?

Not at all. I am happy. I didnt have to go to cbm this time. Last time had been a torture.. too much mushiness made me irritated. This time, no cbm! The cable-guy was so nice, he shut down the whole god-damn thing.. such a blessing, or else the love songs would have made me go crazy. No red tv-sets and no balloons..

So i have to move on, right? Well, yes.. easier said than done. Ignorance isn’t gonna help, not always. Yes, me knows! And I also know, how much I miss you.

Anyways, some people are really nice and sweet and make me smile and make me feel special.. including lots of blog-people. So, thank you all. Do pray that the bitterness in my life goes away.. I am tired of putting up a brave face!

A very happy Vday to all the nice people.. wish many many more your way!
 

yay :D

out of 5 subjects, i got the results of 2 subjects.. both A’s uff im so happy Alhumdolillah! An A in cost accounting is a dream come true (okay, it was my dream…). Best thing is, these 2 will make up for the other 3 rotten grades hehehe a good cgpa hurrahhhhhhhhhhh!

supersensitive :S

“so whats the big deal?”

nothing..

“tou naraz q ho?”

that brought me memories of the previous month, when v had gone out for lunch. the lunch itself was a crazy idea, feeling guilty of why i was going, i told nobody except S. I mean, it was just a lunch, no big deal, right? pata nai, I dont think I wanted to answer the ‘aakhir jaa q rahi ho’ questions…

So anyways, it was a big progress. For once, we were not snapping back, arguing or just rolling our eyes in reply to what the other has said. haha, thats all v have ever done, every single moment v have met. ..n the presence of other people never did anything to make us show manners, nopes, v were always lashing out at each other, the ‘others’ took cue, made stupid bahanaas to move away n left us sitting or standing .. fighting bilwa wajah!

And this time again, the fight was brimming. with a wonderfully sarcastic smile, he was telling me how my friends make a fool of me and i am so dumb. o yeah? u’r just jealous i have friends who stand up for me n vice versa. nopes i can bet, he said, ur friend N never told u she met with SR(his best friend). 

Huh? no she didn’t n im very sure about that. dont blame her for anythin okay? it was his fault bas baat khatam. uff i was so mad at him for saying things about her, whereas his own friend was a jerk. i just told him, u r lying, n i dont believe u! and all i got back was a smile. that irritated me to no end, n then and there i called up N and asked her. the BIGGEST mistake i could have made.

Haan yaar, it was just a casual thing, not a date shate, dont worry. I didn’t tell u cos u seemed to be so disturbed in Cali, i thought it was better not to add to ur worries… she said…hello?..hello? uhh yeah N, yahan signals nai arahay shayad, i’ll call u laters.. and i hung up on her.

Haan kya bola usne? Toota yaqeen? he asked, and i very confidently replied, she said she can’t hear me properly, shayad signals ka masla..

And back home, i realized how hurt i was, on both fronts. N, had really broken my faith. She really didnt have to tell me everything but v had talked so much about that affair and she had never uttered a word even! and more so, at him, for ridiculing me like that. He loves doing that, showing me down all the way and everytime i have to fight back with everthing iv got. I shudn’t but I do. sighh

So anyways, the other night he gave some big news. On my sis’s cell. She came and asked me, obviously wanting to see my reaction. And i couldn’t even react. I mean, I was more like dumbfounded… here v were, out on a lunch, fighting about our friend’s flop affair, playing the blamegames and he had not even bothered to tell me about the upcoming event!

Saw him on msn last night, congratulated him. Told him that my sis got the msg, not me. And all he could ask was, big deal kya hei, naraz kyun ho! This kind of attitude and he still wonders why i didn’t marry him :S

Sure, nothing’s a big deal. I just got supersensitive. And no wonder, i was hurt. People do that, left right and center. But friends? why would they be ‘friends’ if they weren’t important to me or vice versa? rn’t v supposed to share things, good or bad? no, not everything, but a little bit, maybe?

I ctually wanted to write about something else, but i won’t… i have an eerie feeling that the ones i want to write about, are following my blog :S

Happy New Year

In my sky at twilight you are like a cloud
and your form and colour are the way I love them.
You are mine, mine, woman with sweet lips
and in your life my infinite dreams live.The lamp of my soul dyes your feet,
the sour wine is sweeter on your lips,
oh reaper of my evening song,
how solitary dreams believe you to be mine!

You are mine, mine, I go shouting it to the afternoon’s
wind, and the wind hauls on my widowed voice.
Huntress of the depth of my eyes, your plunder
stills your nocturnal regard as though it were water.

You are taken in the net of my music, my love,
and my nets of music are wide as the sky.
My soul is born on the shore of your eyes of mourning.
In your eyes of mourning the land of dreams begin.

Pablo Neruda

…wishing u all, a very happy new year, may this year (finally) grant u the best of ur desires, no matter how untamed they may be and…. and…. , u can fill in the blanks,..

..may Allah bless us all and keep us safe, happy and healthy no matter who we are, and where we are - ameen

living ‘you’..

It must have been so obvious.. But I had tried…I had tried to hide my smile behind a straight face. I had tried not to get all excited about seeing you again. Could I have learnt to make my eyes not sparkle, to not blush, when I thought of you? Stop that grin from letting away my secret? How could I not love to eat what you liked, be it the zinger or the pizza or the seafood?

I tried. But then it didn’t matter who saw, who knew, who understood and who said what. What mattered was how much you loved my sparkling eyes and how you could make me burst into giggles by copying me, and with those silly little chit chats of yours, and the way you would drive the KFC guy crazy with ordering and cancelling again and again until he got to be our best friend and he too would start smiling as he would see us walking through that door.  I just had to wear those glass bangles at all times, hoping maybe that you would drop by if you could escape work even for an hour. I just had to stand by my window so early in the morning, for I knew what time you would drive by, and you would wave and I would laugh and love everything because you made my day, everyday. And I had to just beg my friends to let you come to our little parties at the univ, even though they would make you buy them so much icecream later on, while I scowled at them for wasting your money. And I was delighted at the wonderful surprise party they planned for me, and how they had made you part of the plan and I felt blessed for having such wonderful friends who liked you and such a wonderful you, for being friends with them for my sake. I loved the fact that my mom enjoyed your company and my brothers felt comfortable around you. And that in a true fimly style, you had actually saved my life, for that was when I knew my life mattered so much to you. And I just had to offer the longest of prayers, for at all times, not even once had I forgotten to thank Allah for sending you to me.

I have to thank HIM again. I do, for atleast I had you. I still have you everywhere, from the roads to my college, to the KFC and the KFC guy, the prawns and the pizza, to my decision to study, to the courses I take in my MBA, to the strong support that I now am for my sibblings, I have you.

I cant stop smiling when I think of you. I cant stop that sparkle in my eyes, I cant stop the hope and I know that they all see it. Let them see…I still dont care.Mom wonders why I dont eat KFC anymore. Why fried prawns dont taste as good. My dad cannot understand why I am so keen about my studies. My sibblings love me more than I could have ever imagined. And all I do, is think of you..of what you would have done..what you would have told me to do..I follow what you taught me..I feel, as a shadow.. of you..I love that feeling..I love living ‘you’..

You have been the best teacher in my life. The best friend. The best confidante’. The best love. The best ever, more than I could ever have imagined.

But you know what? I hate the past tense attached with you. It hurts…too much. 

I learnt..

Alive?
I think so
Hey!
But..
I’m not dead.
Am I?
There have to be feelings
I cant’ feel..
No.
It doesn’t hurt.
No.
Not a bit.

Life?
Yes.
The flow..
Like a stream of ..what?
Unspoken words!
Ofcourse.. Wounded?
Probably.
Pain?
None.
It just bleeds
Silently. .

Absolute … Analgesia!…..
Analgesia?
A deadening or absence of the sense of pain without loss of consciousness.

I learnt that new word…