supersensitive :S

“so whats the big deal?”

nothing..

“tou naraz q ho?”

that brought me memories of the previous month, when v had gone out for lunch. the lunch itself was a crazy idea, feeling guilty of why i was going, i told nobody except S. I mean, it was just a lunch, no big deal, right? pata nai, I dont think I wanted to answer the ‘aakhir jaa q rahi ho’ questions…

So anyways, it was a big progress. For once, we were not snapping back, arguing or just rolling our eyes in reply to what the other has said. haha, thats all v have ever done, every single moment v have met. ..n the presence of other people never did anything to make us show manners, nopes, v were always lashing out at each other, the ‘others’ took cue, made stupid bahanaas to move away n left us sitting or standing .. fighting bilwa wajah!

And this time again, the fight was brimming. with a wonderfully sarcastic smile, he was telling me how my friends make a fool of me and i am so dumb. o yeah? u’r just jealous i have friends who stand up for me n vice versa. nopes i can bet, he said, ur friend N never told u she met with SR(his best friend). 

Huh? no she didn’t n im very sure about that. dont blame her for anythin okay? it was his fault bas baat khatam. uff i was so mad at him for saying things about her, whereas his own friend was a jerk. i just told him, u r lying, n i dont believe u! and all i got back was a smile. that irritated me to no end, n then and there i called up N and asked her. the BIGGEST mistake i could have made.

Haan yaar, it was just a casual thing, not a date shate, dont worry. I didn’t tell u cos u seemed to be so disturbed in Cali, i thought it was better not to add to ur worries… she said…hello?..hello? uhh yeah N, yahan signals nai arahay shayad, i’ll call u laters.. and i hung up on her.

Haan kya bola usne? Toota yaqeen? he asked, and i very confidently replied, she said she can’t hear me properly, shayad signals ka masla..

And back home, i realized how hurt i was, on both fronts. N, had really broken my faith. She really didnt have to tell me everything but v had talked so much about that affair and she had never uttered a word even! and more so, at him, for ridiculing me like that. He loves doing that, showing me down all the way and everytime i have to fight back with everthing iv got. I shudn’t but I do. sighh

So anyways, the other night he gave some big news. On my sis’s cell. She came and asked me, obviously wanting to see my reaction. And i couldn’t even react. I mean, I was more like dumbfounded… here v were, out on a lunch, fighting about our friend’s flop affair, playing the blamegames and he had not even bothered to tell me about the upcoming event!

Saw him on msn last night, congratulated him. Told him that my sis got the msg, not me. And all he could ask was, big deal kya hei, naraz kyun ho! This kind of attitude and he still wonders why i didn’t marry him :S

Sure, nothing’s a big deal. I just got supersensitive. And no wonder, i was hurt. People do that, left right and center. But friends? why would they be ‘friends’ if they weren’t important to me or vice versa? rn’t v supposed to share things, good or bad? no, not everything, but a little bit, maybe?

I ctually wanted to write about something else, but i won’t… i have an eerie feeling that the ones i want to write about, are following my blog :S

living ‘you’..

It must have been so obvious.. But I had tried…I had tried to hide my smile behind a straight face. I had tried not to get all excited about seeing you again. Could I have learnt to make my eyes not sparkle, to not blush, when I thought of you? Stop that grin from letting away my secret? How could I not love to eat what you liked, be it the zinger or the pizza or the seafood?

I tried. But then it didn’t matter who saw, who knew, who understood and who said what. What mattered was how much you loved my sparkling eyes and how you could make me burst into giggles by copying me, and with those silly little chit chats of yours, and the way you would drive the KFC guy crazy with ordering and cancelling again and again until he got to be our best friend and he too would start smiling as he would see us walking through that door.  I just had to wear those glass bangles at all times, hoping maybe that you would drop by if you could escape work even for an hour. I just had to stand by my window so early in the morning, for I knew what time you would drive by, and you would wave and I would laugh and love everything because you made my day, everyday. And I had to just beg my friends to let you come to our little parties at the univ, even though they would make you buy them so much icecream later on, while I scowled at them for wasting your money. And I was delighted at the wonderful surprise party they planned for me, and how they had made you part of the plan and I felt blessed for having such wonderful friends who liked you and such a wonderful you, for being friends with them for my sake. I loved the fact that my mom enjoyed your company and my brothers felt comfortable around you. And that in a true fimly style, you had actually saved my life, for that was when I knew my life mattered so much to you. And I just had to offer the longest of prayers, for at all times, not even once had I forgotten to thank Allah for sending you to me.

I have to thank HIM again. I do, for atleast I had you. I still have you everywhere, from the roads to my college, to the KFC and the KFC guy, the prawns and the pizza, to my decision to study, to the courses I take in my MBA, to the strong support that I now am for my sibblings, I have you.

I cant stop smiling when I think of you. I cant stop that sparkle in my eyes, I cant stop the hope and I know that they all see it. Let them see…I still dont care.Mom wonders why I dont eat KFC anymore. Why fried prawns dont taste as good. My dad cannot understand why I am so keen about my studies. My sibblings love me more than I could have ever imagined. And all I do, is think of you..of what you would have done..what you would have told me to do..I follow what you taught me..I feel, as a shadow.. of you..I love that feeling..I love living ‘you’..

You have been the best teacher in my life. The best friend. The best confidante’. The best love. The best ever, more than I could ever have imagined.

But you know what? I hate the past tense attached with you. It hurts…too much. 

I learnt..

Alive?
I think so
Hey!
But..
I’m not dead.
Am I?
There have to be feelings
I cant’ feel..
No.
It doesn’t hurt.
No.
Not a bit.

Life?
Yes.
The flow..
Like a stream of ..what?
Unspoken words!
Ofcourse.. Wounded?
Probably.
Pain?
None.
It just bleeds
Silently. .

Absolute … Analgesia!…..
Analgesia?
A deadening or absence of the sense of pain without loss of consciousness.

I learnt that new word…