“Mere Pass Raho”

You who demolish me, you whom I love,
be near me. Remain near me when evening,
drunk on the blood of the skies,
becomes night, in its one hand
a perfumed balm, in the other
a sword sheathed in the diamond of stars.

Be near me when night laments or sings,
or when it begins to dance,
its steel-blue anklets ringing with grief.

Be here when longings, long submerged
in the heart’s waters, resurface
and when everyone begins to look:
Where is the assassin? In whose sleeve
is hidden the redeeming knife?

And when wine, as it is poured, is the sobbing
of children whom nothing will console -
when nothing holds,
when nothing is:
at that dark hour when night mourns,
be near me, my destroyer, my lover,
be near me.

Must have been good, but i lost it somehow

Me and my desires. I wasnt wrong when I kept ‘Untamed Desires’ as my blog-name. Thats everything I revolve around. Only, you can’t understand that. Did you even try to?

What was the word I had used? “Addiction”. Yeah, addiction. Addicted to you. But you had said the same. My bad, why did I trust Me and my Untmaed Desires. I will someday drown myself becuase of me.

But not becuase of you! Nopes. I knew this was coming. Just hoped, that the inevitable could be delayed. For a few more hours. A few more chat-hours. A few more email swaps. A few more smiles, A few more hours of blissful happiness. A few more hours fo missing you, and infact not missing you cause you were here.

I cannot lie. It is not me. And if you cannot take me ‘the way I are’, then I cannot change for you either. Ain’t the done thing for me. And, you judged me, for something that was not my fault. Knowing me for such a long time didn’t help, did it? You just judged one act, done so so so long ago that I had even forgotten it.

So what now? The restraint is already there. From across the miles, I can feel it. You really pulled me out of my shell. Dragged me out, challenging me to smile again n I did. I owe alot to you. I won’t tell you that I am disappointed. Not hurt, just disappointed. The hurt will come later. But I dont want to be bothered right now. I want to close my eyes and pretend nothing happened. Do let me do that. Let hope live, its desperate in here!!

 

nahhh, i aint cynical

All dressed up and waiting for the friends to come and pick me up.. flash 1 and flash 2 and flash 3.. get the idea? Too many pics taken. Pretty soon, the posing shosing had started.. aise bhi lo, ye theek nai aii delete karo, phir se lo yaar, abu na karein na mere baal kharab hojayenge… all this went on. The freinds? yeah they came, a little bit late.

And then the digicam has its advantages. Instant upload and once again everyone was peering into the screen. This time, everyone included cousins. oohs and aahs and u-look-fat and no-i-dont..

I sat there. I knew they like the wrong pics. Maybe they are jealous hehehe but still, I know myself n I do know which of my pics show the real me and which dont. (If you happen to see my facebook albums and are shaking your heads at how I upload loads of pics where I dont look nice at all, doesn’t matter to me na I just put up all of them, hey! friends are supposed to take me for me, for good and for worse )

Back to the story, and to facebook.. these khawateen selected the wrong pic and sent it. Ofcourse it was the wrong pic.. it was the one which got comments from ‘khawateen’ only and really (in the fb album), the one I liked got compliments only from guys. What was that supposed to mean? Pata nai :S

Rejected. Watever. Not that i expected things to happen otherwise. Someone to see my pic and think they want me as a bahoo, biwi, bahbi .. that whole thing doesn’t sound real to me. A pic cannot tell you so much about it. It can’t. When it’s my pic we are talking about, you’ll never even come to guess ‘me’.

Our micro teacher told us to just explain the picture, but he really meant graphs.. you can’t explain pictures… so don’t try. Please.

Point driven home? GOOD!

And the party i went to, was not fun. Bloody cbm, I am just not a wanna be, i cannot fit in.

snip of the scissors..ouch!

Falling hairs to any reason and you end up getting a haircut! Thats exactly what happened a few months ago.. only, the change was so truly nice Well, nice enough to make me dread the snipping scissors a little bit less.

Did I mention that we go to a ‘chaptii ka beauty parlor’?  yeah…so we get to hear the ching and the chong (and strangely, never the Zong!! lolz)

And in between the ping pongs, one of them will come and peer into your face, close.. no , i mean, reaaaaaaaaally close, and pretend to shake her head with the oh-dear-oh-my expression. And the other day she did it with me, again! Its such a horrible expression i tell u, nose wrinkled, mouth twisted.. So i sat up and asked wat happened; and the usual reply was “you need a facial, yes?”. Sigh. So i thought about the money i had saved for buying books and movies, and then looked at the mirror. Facial it was!

Now that should have been enough. But these chaptii’s are chalako-ladies! The other one comes up and says “Why your hair is all dry, you not caring, yes?”. So i said okay, a little pampering can go a long way..

And while i got a facial done, the hair cut progressed clowly, as if it was some kind of a painting being made.. a little snip here and a bit there. Then the hands would disappear, and her peering face would make an appearance, trying to do god knows what!! I was trying to figure that out when the mask got smeared on my face. Now i couldnt see the scissors working their magic on my hair so i was listening intently where the next snip would and making a picture in my mind of what transformation i was going to get.

Suddenly, the snipping snopped and one of my eyes popped open hehehe there was a smack on the back of my head and a warning about getting wrinkles if i move my face muscles with a mask on! Ohkaaaaaay back to closed eyes.

Few minutes later, there i was a glowing skin and a nice hair cut.. perfect! I loved myself in the reflection Caught my mom eye through the mirror and just at that moment there was yet another SNIP! huhhhhhhhh i took a deep breath because i knew that last snip meant.. i had bangs! oh cripes not again! And there was the face again.. with a huge big grin and the irritating “Bangs, yes?” Oh lord, I had to control myself to shout NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But couldnt do that, the bangs were already there now

Have nothing to do except oil my hair and hope they grow back before univ opens. Bangs yikes! Next time, i’ll move my head and myself away once i am satisfied with my hairs.

yay :D

out of 5 subjects, i got the results of 2 subjects.. both A’s uff im so happy Alhumdolillah! An A in cost accounting is a dream come true (okay, it was my dream…). Best thing is, these 2 will make up for the other 3 rotten grades hehehe a good cgpa hurrahhhhhhhhhhh!

Happy New Year

In my sky at twilight you are like a cloud
and your form and colour are the way I love them.
You are mine, mine, woman with sweet lips
and in your life my infinite dreams live.The lamp of my soul dyes your feet,
the sour wine is sweeter on your lips,
oh reaper of my evening song,
how solitary dreams believe you to be mine!

You are mine, mine, I go shouting it to the afternoon’s
wind, and the wind hauls on my widowed voice.
Huntress of the depth of my eyes, your plunder
stills your nocturnal regard as though it were water.

You are taken in the net of my music, my love,
and my nets of music are wide as the sky.
My soul is born on the shore of your eyes of mourning.
In your eyes of mourning the land of dreams begin.

Pablo Neruda

…wishing u all, a very happy new year, may this year (finally) grant u the best of ur desires, no matter how untamed they may be and…. and…. , u can fill in the blanks,..

..may Allah bless us all and keep us safe, happy and healthy no matter who we are, and where we are – ameen

living ‘you’..

It must have been so obvious.. But I had tried…I had tried to hide my smile behind a straight face. I had tried not to get all excited about seeing you again. Could I have learnt to make my eyes not sparkle, to not blush, when I thought of you? Stop that grin from letting away my secret? How could I not love to eat what you liked, be it the zinger or the pizza or the seafood?

I tried. But then it didn’t matter who saw, who knew, who understood and who said what. What mattered was how much you loved my sparkling eyes and how you could make me burst into giggles by copying me, and with those silly little chit chats of yours, and the way you would drive the KFC guy crazy with ordering and cancelling again and again until he got to be our best friend and he too would start smiling as he would see us walking through that door.  I just had to wear those glass bangles at all times, hoping maybe that you would drop by if you could escape work even for an hour. I just had to stand by my window so early in the morning, for I knew what time you would drive by, and you would wave and I would laugh and love everything because you made my day, everyday. And I had to just beg my friends to let you come to our little parties at the univ, even though they would make you buy them so much icecream later on, while I scowled at them for wasting your money. And I was delighted at the wonderful surprise party they planned for me, and how they had made you part of the plan and I felt blessed for having such wonderful friends who liked you and such a wonderful you, for being friends with them for my sake. I loved the fact that my mom enjoyed your company and my brothers felt comfortable around you. And that in a true fimly style, you had actually saved my life, for that was when I knew my life mattered so much to you. And I just had to offer the longest of prayers, for at all times, not even once had I forgotten to thank Allah for sending you to me.

I have to thank HIM again. I do, for atleast I had you. I still have you everywhere, from the roads to my college, to the KFC and the KFC guy, the prawns and the pizza, to my decision to study, to the courses I take in my MBA, to the strong support that I now am for my sibblings, I have you.

I cant stop smiling when I think of you. I cant stop that sparkle in my eyes, I cant stop the hope and I know that they all see it. Let them see…I still dont care.Mom wonders why I dont eat KFC anymore. Why fried prawns dont taste as good. My dad cannot understand why I am so keen about my studies. My sibblings love me more than I could have ever imagined. And all I do, is think of you..of what you would have done..what you would have told me to do..I follow what you taught me..I feel, as a shadow.. of you..I love that feeling..I love living ‘you’..

You have been the best teacher in my life. The best friend. The best confidante’. The best love. The best ever, more than I could ever have imagined.

But you know what? I hate the past tense attached with you. It hurts…too much. 

I learnt..

Alive?
I think so
Hey!
But..
I’m not dead.
Am I?
There have to be feelings
I cant’ feel..
No.
It doesn’t hurt.
No.
Not a bit.

Life?
Yes.
The flow..
Like a stream of ..what?
Unspoken words!
Ofcourse.. Wounded?
Probably.
Pain?
None.
It just bleeds
Silently. .

Absolute … Analgesia!…..
Analgesia?
A deadening or absence of the sense of pain without loss of consciousness.

I learnt that new word…

so grateful..

To Allah SWT, for granting me and my family an extremely wonderful Ramadan..
From the previous ramadan to this one, i have been blessed with many new friends, i have had the oppportunities to learn lessons from life, to stay true to everything my parents have taught me no matter what the consequences ( a very difficult thing to do sometimes but Alhumdolillah patience truly has virtue) , and most of all i have had tons of silly reasons to laugh, love, and be loved! what more can i have asked for, from life!!! i have gotten so much love and support from so many wonderful wonderful friends and cousins and all… and i realize that this is all that truly matters to me.. nothing, absolutely nothing matters to me more than this…
I should have felt the same way from the start, confident of my ownself regardless of anything that happens, but i confess that so many things during the last few months had disturbed me, irritated me to no end, saddened me to tears, and shaken the very foundations of everything that for me,constituted trust..
And nothing could have been better than an early morning heart-to-heart talk with my mom and dad! Alot of listening and telling, sharing of all sort of stories and so much more.. even alot of shouting out my anger and tear-shedding on my part for it was the only way to wash away the hurt and anger within me, and they made me realize that if i don’t take it out of my system, i will become as shallow as anything.. how true..how simple.. yet it really did take me hours and hours to recover..

In the most beatiful of ways, my dad made me realize how i should just do what i had always done and do it with the faith that its only for the sake of Allah SWT and do it even though i didnt want to do it anymore because it was what made others take adantage of me!! that in itself is such a difficult thing.. to give up on the right to fight back, to point fingers at those who accuse.. it is, for me, infact very very hard for im very stubborn even when it comes to the most petty things.. for i have tremendous belief in myselfand on the values on which i have been brought up and to digest it all and give up and not fight?

He said that i have two options and i can chose either.. and when i finally decided, said aloud that yes, okay.. i will give up, i will stay the good old ‘myself’ for the sake of Allah SWT.. he just smiled back n told me that he knew i would make that decision.. because he is so proud of me and my sibbs, because he knows that his children can never be the mean little xyz people that hurt others, who tell lies, who hide things, who bite others’ backs…
Trust on his own upbringing, thats what he is so proud of!
Respect is all that should matter.. and love, for i may die anytime and only those who love and respect me will remember me for the same.. no other achievements of mine will matter! And so true he is, because i know my grand-parents love us for who we are, not what we are and they are mashaAllah such cute, humble, pious people and if they love me and my family then we have all reasons to be proud of ourselves, mashaAllah!

And i realize that this is all that matters to me. The love of my parents, my family, and all my friends.. And i had a feeling of happiness fill me from inside when i realized that my list of friends has only expanded in so many years.. with most of them, i have grown up and shared the teenage and now v r all in the mid-20s others i have known for lesser years and yet, share good friendships! And today, i want to say to them all, that v r friends because so good and so true at heart Alhumdolillah, and it is all because of the values that our parents have given to us

Today, i feel both, immensely proud and very humble.. 50-50
Thank you dad, for reminding me of everything good!

To everyone who matters to me in one way or the other and to everyone else who is reading this post… i wish you :

Van trouble…

I paid the fees for the transport just as much as anyone else, and still none of the van drivers are willing to pick me in the morning for uni or drop me off back home. And i really dont even know the reason. I mean, its not my fault that my house is on the service lane, somwhere in the middle of two flyovers that connect to the Korangi road and the van would have to take a detour to pick me up. Neither do i want to be dropped off on the opposite side of the flyover because there is no pedestrian bridge, and i am scared to death of crossing roads.

So every day, i stand at the gate for a minimum half hour to wait for the van….n along with me is the driver, my dad and my kid brother because they all think its mighty funny. And yayyyy we all spot the van on the main road….the van that sees me standing at the gate, does NOT bother to stop and instead speeds away. My brother keeps laughing and waving at the van to stop and all this while i curse the van to get a tire puncture :@ Ofcourse i have to turn back and ask the driver to drop me off. This in turn, makes me  late for class!

So last week i told the driver to talk to the van-walas. And he did. After much bickering, one of them decided to pick me on the way to uni and another one would drop me off.

And then finally, on wednesday morning the big blue van stopped on the main road; honking all the time until i had crossed the service lane, managed my way through huge piles of sand and finally got on to the bus. Success? yes! but the big question being, where do i sit because all the seats are occupied

‘Beith jayen bibi van late horahi hei’ shouted the van driver and i ignored him. Waaaay at the back i saw a guy enjoying his sweet dreams and the seat beside him was empty. I woke the bechara with a bang of my books on his seat (noooo, not on his head!) and told him to scoot over. He did. After i had sat down, i saw that the bechara was finding it hard to snooze again so v talked and he was also from California and waaaay junior to me

So now i am friends with the bechara who has tons of oil in his hairs, has hairs longer than mine, and who loves to talk about interesting stuff… and he has promised to keep a seat for me! oh and did i mention that he is waaaaaay junior to me? *i have to keep reminding my mom about this na!!!*

The journey on the way back has a problem of its own. The door for the small van does not open from the inside. Okay, i am unable to open because the stupid latch doesnt give way at all no matter how hard i try to force it open For the last 2 days of uni, i have spent atleast 10 minutes wrestling with the door to open it and i know that the other ppl in the van hate me now they are all as eager to get home as i am and must not like the 10 mins ‘futile’ wrestling match that they have been seeing. In the end, some chokidaar or the driver happens to come out thankfully, and open the door from the outside for me.

Now i have decided that 10 mins before getting home, im gonna sms the driver to come at the gate and open the van door hehehe i feel stupid but honestly, i cant help it!