so grateful..

To Allah SWT, for granting me and my family an extremely wonderful Ramadan..
From the previous ramadan to this one, i have been blessed with many new friends, i have had the oppportunities to learn lessons from life, to stay true to everything my parents have taught me no matter what the consequences ( a very difficult thing to do sometimes but Alhumdolillah patience truly has virtue) , and most of all i have had tons of silly reasons to laugh, love, and be loved! what more can i have asked for, from life!!! i have gotten so much love and support from so many wonderful wonderful friends and cousins and all… and i realize that this is all that truly matters to me.. nothing, absolutely nothing matters to me more than this…
I should have felt the same way from the start, confident of my ownself regardless of anything that happens, but i confess that so many things during the last few months had disturbed me, irritated me to no end, saddened me to tears, and shaken the very foundations of everything that for me,constituted trust..
And nothing could have been better than an early morning heart-to-heart talk with my mom and dad! Alot of listening and telling, sharing of all sort of stories and so much more.. even alot of shouting out my anger and tear-shedding on my part for it was the only way to wash away the hurt and anger within me, and they made me realize that if i don’t take it out of my system, i will become as shallow as anything.. how true..how simple.. yet it really did take me hours and hours to recover..

In the most beatiful of ways, my dad made me realize how i should just do what i had always done and do it with the faith that its only for the sake of Allah SWT and do it even though i didnt want to do it anymore because it was what made others take adantage of me!! that in itself is such a difficult thing.. to give up on the right to fight back, to point fingers at those who accuse.. it is, for me, infact very very hard for im very stubborn even when it comes to the most petty things.. for i have tremendous belief in myselfand on the values on which i have been brought up and to digest it all and give up and not fight?

He said that i have two options and i can chose either.. and when i finally decided, said aloud that yes, okay.. i will give up, i will stay the good old ‘myself’ for the sake of Allah SWT.. he just smiled back n told me that he knew i would make that decision.. because he is so proud of me and my sibbs, because he knows that his children can never be the mean little xyz people that hurt others, who tell lies, who hide things, who bite others’ backs…
Trust on his own upbringing, thats what he is so proud of!
Respect is all that should matter.. and love, for i may die anytime and only those who love and respect me will remember me for the same.. no other achievements of mine will matter! And so true he is, because i know my grand-parents love us for who we are, not what we are and they are mashaAllah such cute, humble, pious people and if they love me and my family then we have all reasons to be proud of ourselves, mashaAllah!

And i realize that this is all that matters to me. The love of my parents, my family, and all my friends.. And i had a feeling of happiness fill me from inside when i realized that my list of friends has only expanded in so many years.. with most of them, i have grown up and shared the teenage and now v r all in the mid-20s others i have known for lesser years and yet, share good friendships! And today, i want to say to them all, that v r friends because so good and so true at heart Alhumdolillah, and it is all because of the values that our parents have given to us

Today, i feel both, immensely proud and very humble.. 50-50
Thank you dad, for reminding me of everything good!

To everyone who matters to me in one way or the other and to everyone else who is reading this post… i wish you :

kisi toar jaan say guzar sakain

when i dont have any words to share my thoughts and my days, then all i can do is leave you to (hopefully!) enjoy some nice poetry. until i am back….

kabhi yaad aao to iss tarah
k lahoo ki sari tamazatain
tumain rung rung samait lain
tumain dhoop dhoop nikhar dain
tumain harf harf main soch lain
tujay dekhnay ka jo shoq ho
to diar e hijar ki teerigi ko
myzgaan ki nok say noch lain

kabhi yaad aao to iss tarah
k dil o nazar main samaa sako
kabhi had say habs e junoon barhay
to hawas ban k bikhar sako
kabhi khill sako shab e wasal main
kabhi khoon e dil main sanwar sako
sar e rah guzar jo millo kabhi
na thehr sako na guzar sako

mera dard phir say ghazal banay
kabhi gun-gunaao to iss tarah
meray zakhm phir say gulab hoon
kabhi muskarao to iss tarah
meri dharkanain b laraz uthain
kabhi dil dukhao to iss tarah

jo nahi to phir baray shoq say
sabhi rabtay, sabhi zaabtay ,
kaheen dhoop chaaon tor do
na shikast e dil ka sitam saho
na suno kissi ka azaab e jaan
na kissi say apni khalish kaho
yuun he khush raho yuun he khush phiro

na ujar sakain na sanwar sakain
kabhi chor jao to iss tarah
na sisak sakain na bilak sakain
kabhi bhool jao to iss tarah
kissi toar jaan say guzar sakain
kabhi yaad aao to iss tarah
kabhi yaad aao to iss tarah

ps : iv had a futile search for the lyrics of tina sani’s “thora saath chahiye” .. if anyone has it, plz do send them over!

huh?

if u dont really do, what u’r supposed to do, then wat do u do, if anything at all?

Van trouble…

I paid the fees for the transport just as much as anyone else, and still none of the van drivers are willing to pick me in the morning for uni or drop me off back home. And i really dont even know the reason. I mean, its not my fault that my house is on the service lane, somwhere in the middle of two flyovers that connect to the Korangi road and the van would have to take a detour to pick me up. Neither do i want to be dropped off on the opposite side of the flyover because there is no pedestrian bridge, and i am scared to death of crossing roads.

So every day, i stand at the gate for a minimum half hour to wait for the van….n along with me is the driver, my dad and my kid brother because they all think its mighty funny. And yayyyy we all spot the van on the main road….the van that sees me standing at the gate, does NOT bother to stop and instead speeds away. My brother keeps laughing and waving at the van to stop and all this while i curse the van to get a tire puncture :@ Ofcourse i have to turn back and ask the driver to drop me off. This in turn, makes me  late for class!

So last week i told the driver to talk to the van-walas. And he did. After much bickering, one of them decided to pick me on the way to uni and another one would drop me off.

And then finally, on wednesday morning the big blue van stopped on the main road; honking all the time until i had crossed the service lane, managed my way through huge piles of sand and finally got on to the bus. Success? yes! but the big question being, where do i sit because all the seats are occupied

‘Beith jayen bibi van late horahi hei’ shouted the van driver and i ignored him. Waaaay at the back i saw a guy enjoying his sweet dreams and the seat beside him was empty. I woke the bechara with a bang of my books on his seat (noooo, not on his head!) and told him to scoot over. He did. After i had sat down, i saw that the bechara was finding it hard to snooze again so v talked and he was also from California and waaaay junior to me

So now i am friends with the bechara who has tons of oil in his hairs, has hairs longer than mine, and who loves to talk about interesting stuff… and he has promised to keep a seat for me! oh and did i mention that he is waaaaaay junior to me? *i have to keep reminding my mom about this na!!!*

The journey on the way back has a problem of its own. The door for the small van does not open from the inside. Okay, i am unable to open because the stupid latch doesnt give way at all no matter how hard i try to force it open For the last 2 days of uni, i have spent atleast 10 minutes wrestling with the door to open it and i know that the other ppl in the van hate me now they are all as eager to get home as i am and must not like the 10 mins ‘futile’ wrestling match that they have been seeing. In the end, some chokidaar or the driver happens to come out thankfully, and open the door from the outside for me.

Now i have decided that 10 mins before getting home, im gonna sms the driver to come at the gate and open the van door hehehe i feel stupid but honestly, i cant help it!

Wierdly Wierd Facts!

‘Uncanny’ and  ’bizarre’ and ‘odd’ and ‘unusual’ and ’strange’….. 5 meanings for this 5 letter word and here are the 5 facts about moi for which X had tagged me: 

1- I prefer scrap-chatting on orkut instead of instant messengers.

2- Its so hard to throw away things .. i keep all gifts with dates and occasions on which they were received. I dont even wanna change my oh-so-oldish cellphone because i can make/receive calls and send/receive sms.

3- I like staring at the non-existent spot on the wall…and i love it when someone asks what me is thinking about! Simply because i can say “Oh, nothing really” and annoy them I cant remember if i ever slept without going through this very ritual.

4- I am so unable to make good work out of the maids and drivers. I hate shouting at them, i prefer not to be present when they get their share of daantein and i always get in trouble for ’spoiling’ them :S

5- I cant seem to hate people no matter how much they have annoyed me or hurt me. Amazingly enough, thsoe around me think that i am hardly annoyed ever..so not true, i tell u! so NOT true :@

I wonder if that really is strange stuff about me. It sounded wierd while i was jotting it down but now it sounds pretty normal..whoops! Now, i feel funny hehehe

The most ‘wierdly wierd’ fact is that all along i have spelt it wrong.. its WEIRD.. did u notice?

I tag : Umar bhai, Xill-e-Ilahi, Nocturnal, Sammy and anyone else who wants to join the feeling of being weird  

Look at them, Look at us!

I was writing something else… but then i heard loads of noises coming from the other PC. Nopes, i dont blog from a net-cafe, heck nooooooo! Its just my dads officewe all use to access the net. Back to the noises, they were wierd. And when i turned around, i find a larger than life picture of my DC cosin looking totally hot-stuff. Not only is that dudette completely gorgeous and sexy with brains to match, she totally knows how to get around people too no wonder the oohz and aahz that i could hear hehehe and to think it was just a bunch of us gals

Neways, thats not what i wanted to blog about. The pics (actually, the noises) caught attention of my mom and khala too. And then the dreaded stuff started! GOSSIP. ughhhhh i hate it. From one pic they followed to the other with loads of absurd comments. Then it got around to checking out every single guy in her list. And their pics. And their khaandaan pandaan hasab nasab and wat not! It totally freaked me out… That girl is my darling cosin and she has gone through a terrible dilemna last year.  I would have preferred that she be spared stupid comments and be left at watever she is doin. Its her life after all!

There!

Gave this very speech to the aunties and getting glares hehehe. I am sure my moms gonna be really pissed at me for saying all this. But i wouldnt want such stuff happen to me or my sis. That means i dont be happy if it happens to anyone else. A hard rule, but i want to follow it.

Finally, the anuty brigade is gone. Looking at pics of other cosins now. And they all look so beautiful mashaAllah. And like my other cosin just said right now, look at them and look at us!! I cant believe v r even related to them!

Right now, im hungry and need my dinner real soon. If this post duznt make any sense, wait up for the next one. I promise to make more sense then

yeh khuwaab suhana bas yahin tak tha…!!

I am just sick of being nice, and being hurt… except for the last 2 months of 2006, every single day has brought around pain and sacrifices and stuff totally not worth crying over.

This time around, im gonna be less of what i was…! I am not making a resolution. I want rather than wanting to give!

Dear LIFE,

Thanks for taking so long to show yourself; ’cause now that i can see you, i don’t think you deserve a second glance! Be nice to me because i deserve it. And this time, i want someone to fear the thought of losing me…not the other way round. Else, get lost. I dont need you!

Manzil mile na mile ab hamari qismat
Keh zindagi ke saath safar bas yahin tak tha

Uttho aur naye Hamraahi talash karo
Keh yeh khuwaab suhana bas yahin tak tha…!!

duboya mujhko ‘hoanay’ ne! na mei hoti tou kya hota?

i was ready to tell
the story of my life
but the ripple of tears
and the agony of my heart
wouldn’t let me

i began to stutter
saying a word here and there
and all along i felt as tender as a crystal
ready to be shattered

in this stormy sea we call life
all the big ships, they come apart
board by board
how can i survive
riding a lonely
little boat
with no oars
and no arms

my boat did finally break
by the waves
and i broke free
as i tied myself
to a single board

though the panic is gone
i am now offended!
why should i be so helpless?
rising with one wave
and falling with the next
i don’t know
if i am nonexisting
while i exist…
but i know for sure
when i am,
i am not!
but when i am not,
then i am!

since in this world
i have many times
like my own imagination,
died
and been born again

that is why
after a long agonizing life
as a hunter,
i finally let go
and got hunted down
and became free

credits probably go to Moulana Rumi (not sure!)

thoughtstop : actions speak louder than words

A wonderfully cloudy day, a light crisp breeze and a whole lot of lush green grass under her feet …. a scenario so perfect that in other circumstances she would have loved it.

But here she is, not knowing why did she ever agree to be there at all … a situation so utterly uncomfortable for her and she knew this was how it would be. Still she agreed, maybe to put an end to his endless complaints of how she never gave him enough time or importance.

They talk. No, he does. She pretends to be clinging to every word of his. A mask of faked interest to which he is ignorant. Its better this way, she thinks.

And then he decides to take a walk. Her hands grow cold and a chill runs up and down her spine. Her sixth sense tells her to run away but she knows she cant. So she keeps walking, dreading the moment he asks her something to which she will have no answer.

The moment comes … and goes. The silent lingers. He is probably being very much a gentleman and waiting for her answer very patiently. Words fail her. No, he says; he needs an answer then and there. Cannot wait, you had ample time to think.

And for just one instant, she closes her eyes and asks God for help. She knows the answer but no courage to spell it out to him.

When she opens her eyes, she does not see his questioning eyes as she had imagined she would. Instead she hears him say to her :

‘mera khayal tha keh ab tak hum saath chal rahay hei ek rastay per. mei ne dhyaan hi nai diya aur tumne rasta hi badal lia?‘

She turns in the direction of his voice and realizes that what had seemed an instant to her, was probably a minute of walking in a direction so further away from him that they were now standing far apart. She decides to wait for him to come over and they walk again.

‘chalo mei tumko wapis ghar drop kardoon’, he says. She looks at him with a blank expression.

‘kuch nai. mujhe bilkul mehsoos nai horaha hei keh hum saath chal rahay hei’.

He got the answer without her saying any words.

Ignorant, Arrogant and a poor memory

They had been taking my interview for the last 30 minutes. Big deal? Not really….they seemed to have all the time in the world and did not really care that it was Jumma time, that alot of the guys still needed to be interviewed and that it had already been more than 2 hours of waiting time before even my name was called up. Seemed pretty unfair to the candidates prolly because i was one of them but oh well!

It went a fairly good interview and i suppose i gave almost all the right answers (if there is any such thing!!). As the interview came to a close, i popped up the wrong question :S i dared to ask the two (one male, the other female) their names and what they taught at the place. It wasnt a big deal as far as i knew but the reaction i got from the mister xyz was surprising.

me : may i know ur names please? (and i did say it in the most respecting manner!)

xyz : *looks up with a shocked expression* u dont know us?

me : *blank… are these really really famous ppl?*

xyz : didnt u buy the prospectus? didnt u go through it?

me : i did both

xyz : and u still dont know who v r? *takes out the grade sheet again and i feel like killing myself for getting my ownself into trouble*…… thats quite unflattering. prospectus mei sabka naam designation and pictures hei.

me : i know sir, but i also believe there were almost a 100 intros for the faculty. i find it hard to imagine knowing them all. i just know a few by name.

xyz : it shows u r ignorant, arrogant and u have a very bad memory.

me : * i sit back on the seat without invitation because now hes giving me the irks cmmenting like this* and how does it prove all these qualities in me? *asking him and then looking at the lady hoping for some response from her*

xyz : u probably didnt bother through the prospectus thinking ur times too precious shows u r ignorant. if u did, still u were arrogant enough to just note the names of the president and higher-ups here *too bad i felt like telling him that they are both my relavtives but bit my tongue because of his already unbelievable remarks about me* and further more, even if we suppose u did read all about our faculty, u seem unable to match names and faces and remember either of them at all….shows clear signs of a bad memory.

me : *blank and blank and blank*….. right, so i apologize for such an inadequate question

xyz : apne aur kabhi interview diya hei kya ever? did u ask such a ridiculous question ever?

me : uhhh never felt the need sir. they were nice enough to introduce themselves or they had name-plates

the lady : actually u r right. we should have those here. i am surprised nobody else asked. i dont mind her question at all. its a very appropriate question. * blank look on her face* y do u wanna know?

me : *oh craaaaaaaaaaaaap wat now :S* just so i can remember and also bcos everyones gonna ask kisne lia interview and also bcos my dad taught me that u shud give ur name and ask the same. its proper etiquettes he says.

lady : theek theek i do agree. i am so and so and he is so and so…

me : thank u * and out i go!*


Was i wrong in asking? Even if i was, i definitely dont agree to his replies.
Being the Head of Faculty of a very reputable educational institute must not get to your head. Atleast not in my opinion. I give a damn if i dont get through to the merit list.